


Flowers For Mama

by Mileycfan4eva



Category: Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Chicago PD (TV), Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:07:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29970267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mileycfan4eva/pseuds/Mileycfan4eva
Summary: Brett channels her stress through letters written to her Mama. you can take the girl out of Indiana, but you can never take the heart away from home.
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Gabriela Dawson, Sylvie Brett & Stella Kidd, Sylvie Brett/Kelly Severide, Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	1. Arrival

Chapter 1 Arrival  
Fandom: One Chicago Crossover with SVU

Title: Flowers For Mama

Chapter 1 Arrival

P O V: Sylvie Brett

A/N: Dick Wolf refuses to even comprehend the idea of sharing rights with me for the One Chicago Franchise and SVU so my lawyers are making me write this annoying disclaimer. The first few chapters will take place in the form of letters between Sylvie and her Mama. Eventually this will change to a normal fan-fiction not in the forms of letters and that will take place in the current time and season. If anyone would like their favorite early Sylvie moments included please review and let me know. This will be Brettsey when it jumps to current time, not much changed from the show except for Peter Mills died in the explosion, and Shay was injured leaving her in a coma. Chili jumps in where Mills would have been Brett's partners. Timeline may be a little off as my memory as to when each episode was suppose to take place is a little skewed. End A/N. Phew.

September 15th, 2014

Dear, Mama

I arrived safely in Chicago two days ago, which of course, you know, since we talked that night. It's taken some time, but I think we're finally getting settled today. I enrolled Brazen into school; he got to view the kindergarten class that he's going to be in once he starts next week. He'll be going four days a week until he gets adjusted. Maybe by January, he can start going five days a week. He certainly is excited; he could hardly contain himself when I was filling out the paperwork hopping back and forth on the balls of his feet, dancing to the music playing over the radio. He was a veritable riot, Mama. All the office ladies loved him; they were happier than ol' Blue laying' on the porch chewin' on a big ol' catfish head.

I was fit to be tied to Mama. I mean, he wasn't acting ugly, but he was for sure not acting right. He was misbehaving something fierce, Mama acting as if he had a real bundle of itching powder in his pants. These ladies acted as if Brazen was just the sweetest thing since a slice of warm peach pie and sweet tea. They fussed over him gave him lollipops which he seemed to like; I tried one Mama, and they do not compare to Divinity no sir they do not, but Braz liked them, so I mean that counted, it calmed his little butt down, and Lord was I ever grateful to Jesus for small miracles.

Braz was so hypnotized by the colorful murals all painted by students at this school. The fluffy paw print rugs, alphabet posters on every wall which had positive affirmation posters on them. The sayings fascinated Braz. The hallways were so big compared to the little five classroom school building in Fowlerton. Many signs for after-school clubs and sports the hallways all had neon colored animal-shaped decors that Braz kept leaping back and forth from laughing.

He got to meet his teacher Mrs. Sugarland, who is sweeter than a ripped peach on a summer's day; her classroom is so cozy Mama, she has two full-sized couches with star and rainbow shaped pillows and four large different colored triangle-shaped tables with at least six full body length plastic seats shaped like animals at each table. Each seat had a type of animal head on the floor so the students would know which seat is theirs. Braz got the lion, which is perfect for him since he wouldn't stop roaming and roaring like Simba when he was searching for Mufasa.

The classroom is outstanding; they celebrate every child's birthday separately, even kids who have the same month; Mrs. Sugarland encourages the parents to bring in home-baked treats and little presents for the kids to give to each other; they have a lost tooth money jar collection with some graph. Each kid has a daily task they must complete, like chores and a weekly one. The kids that do the most get special awards, and each month they choose a student as a representative of inspiration for the school.

Braz is so gosh darn excited, Mama, he swears he's going to make it in a month as a class representative, and you know what, Mama, I believe him this kid sets his mind to something, and he never quits. Lord, he is exhausted, but he is my little man, and I would do anything to make him smile. I am so damn proud of him, Mama.

Sometimes I am so stressed, Mama, I worry if I am doin' right by him, would he have been better off staying home with you and Daddy? Can I make enough on my own to provide all his daily needs and give him a safe, stable, happy home? He deserves the world, Mama. Am I good enough for him?

I know it sounds strange. I have been raising him for five-years-already. Still, everything seems so much larger out here in the actual world; I feel so isolated away from you all; I can't stop fussin' and worryin'. I guess it's my nerves since I start my first day at firehouse 51 tomorrow. What if they all hate me? I am replacing a woman they all loved and worshiped. I heard the rumors that 51 is like family; how will they will about an outsider coming in staking her claim when their friend is in a coma fighting for her life? Did I make a mistake moving so far away from all my family, friends, and support system?

I miss you all so much; give Daddy my love, Mama. When you talk to Raine, tell the little scoundrel that Braz misses him and loves him, but he's so dang proud. We both eagerly await his return and hope you can all visit someday soon.

Bye for now

Love your baby-girl


	2. Times Are Tough

Chapter 2 Times Are Tough  
Fandom: One Chicago and SVU crossover

Title: Flowers for Mama

Chapter 2: Times are Tough

P O V: Sylvie Brett

October 25th, 2014

It's been three ½ weeks, Mama; Braz, and I have settled into a comfortable routine. It's just the two of us against Chicago; life is good so far. I've been at 51 for nearly four weeks now; it's been rocky, not going to lie. My new partner, Gabby, is a spitfire. She's always testing the authorities and getting us in trouble; she's opinionated as a bull in a hen's nest. She isn't very welcoming, but she isn't downright mean either, honestly. She barely talks to me unless she's snapping at me or reminding me I haven't earned my place yet.

She does not know what I have sacrificed to be here or what I have endured in my life; there ain't no one here to talk to; most of the crew is friendly enough but aloof. There is one guy who seems really nice, and he's easy on the eyes, Mama. His name is Matthew Casey; he is a lieutenant of truck 81; every-time he walks into the room, I feel my checks light up like a Christmas tree on lighting day; there ain't no use going for it though he's dating Gabby, and from what I can see they're pretty serious. He barely even looks my way anyway, so it's pointless. I don't need another man to look through me the way Harrison did; no, thank you.

I started feeling real down last night Mama, Gabby was cuddling with Matt, and everyone else was paired with someone else talking or laughing. I was by myself feelin' like that bullied kid who is forced to sit in the bathroom to eat their lunch. I missed your arms so much last night, Mama; I wanted to crawl into them and have a long cry and feel you wrap your arms around my body, rock me as you sing to me, or recite scripture to me. I could sure use some of Jesus's love right now; I kept staring at Braz's pictures last night and reminding me all I am doing, every sacrifice I make, and every pain I must endure is all for that sweet boy who calls me Mama. I want all his dreams to come to true, Mama, and I want him to have every dang chance he could never dream about; I want his possibility to stretch further than his vision.

I heard Gabby whispering to one guy that she saw I had a kid; I saw the look she gave me sizing me up trying to guess my age, and I knew she thought what a slut, she didn't need to say the words; I read them in her eyes; Judgment all reads the same ugly.

"Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

I will not let her opinion of me stop me, she hasn't even got the guts to say it to my face, so I can not give her merit or my precious time and attention. I work night and day, pick up extra shifts, and even got a part-time job slinging burgers at McDonald's so we can have enough money to cover rent, and Necessities. I can't afford a babysitter on the nights I have to work at McDonald's. Still, lucky enough, I found one with a daycare center inside the restaurant, so I got him covered then. It's real hard to find good childcare at a reasonable rate when I work such long hours at the firehouse.

I'm so grateful Braz is a well-behaved patient child; he always has the biggest smile when I come home, even when I am reeking of sweat, grease, blood, or god knows what, he runs to me, opens his little arms, and cries out. Mama! He is always so joyful to see me kissing my checks and cuddling to me as hard as it is when they are so little and so dependent on us; I wouldn't wish these years away for any money or rest.

I'm going to hold on, Mama, even though it's hard; Braz's smile and his positive attitude keep me going through the worst of days. Even last night, when I was so stressed I cried silently into my pillow I knew I wouldn't trade it for the world, holding my boy close, smelling his baby scent, and listening to him and learn and grow is the most rewarding experience I could ever ask for, I keep praying and keep hoping that Jesus will give me some reprieve soon.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall they mourn, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

I long for the old order to pass and the new light to dawn, yet I fear wishing away these times, for once they are gone, so are the youthfulness of my sun, my son, my world. I know after I have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called me to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me, it's getting to those days that is so hard some days.

How is everyone back home doing?

Did Mr. Strickland ever get anyone to help him harvest the fall crops? Lord knows I have told him enough times he has a diseased heart; he can't be doing so much manual labor. Has Mrs. Carole found someone to take the solo's over during Sunday Mass? I miss helping her with the Sunday school classes; those kids are so precious. Ensure Mr. Jojó takes his insulin, Mama, and eats right; he won't hit a lick at a snake. Have you found anyone to bring Mrs. Pecy her meals each day and stay with her, so she eats them? The woman is blind, deaf, and stubborn as a mule, but lord, she is a sweetheart. It's a real shame' bout her kids useless as a screen door on a submarine and a trapdoor on a canoe.

Braz and I are on the front porch watching the sun go down Mama; the moon is shining its little head. We can't stay out much longer in this neighborhood, it isn't safe. I long to afford a better neighborhood for him to grow up in, one where we can sit out and watch the stars play in the sky. Braz is working on his spelling as I write this to you and sip my wine.

Mama, that's his favorite word to spell right now, he draws a big heart over the word; it touches my heart just so, Mama. I can't stop crying. I am trying not to let him see me cry ever, good tears or bad tears he doesn't need to know when I am upset. He's young and only needs to worry about having fun, learning his schoolwork, and growing upright.

The stars don't shine so bright here, Mama; the bright neon chrome lights diminish them. It's sad. I miss lying in the back of the pickup truck cuddling between you and daddy with Braz on my stomach, giggling and wrapping his tiny arms around my center.

Indiana seems so far away. I miss you all and wish you could visit, but I know you are all busy preparing for the winter selling season and prepping the animals for the harsh winters. I ain't looking forward to winter here, uh, I'm not too fond of the cold.

It's hard out here Mama, I know you warned me, but I never thought it would be this dang hard. Money is real damn tight. I'm barely making $24.84 as a paramedic and $7.50 at McDonald's. I'm bringing home $994 a week and $4.306 a month from my paramedic gig. Rent is close to $2,000 a month, and believe me, Mama, as beautiful as the ceiling is in my apartment, this place ain't worth no damn $2,000 a month. The heater is broke all the damn time; the landlord, he's about as useful as a steering wheel on a mule. The plumbing keeps going out, I've had to shower at the firehouse sixteen times this month alone because we can't get enough hot water for one bath, and of course, I make sure Braz gets cleaned first. The fridge is dying, so I will shelling out money for repairs every day this month, probably into the next. What little money I get from McDonald's goes into savings for Braz's college fund.

Forget cable TV; I barely have enough left over to get from paycheck to paycheck.

Tomorrow Brazen and I will check out the nightlife; we won't dine out anywhere fancy course, but we need to stretch our legs and explore this magnificent city. Next week I have my first doctor's appointment in Chicago; I'm feeling good, Mama, except bone-ass tired. I'll work on the mental outlook; please don't worry about me, Mama, I'll be fine; I miss you and Daddy.

Till next time love your baby-girl

P.S. Braz can't decide what he wants to be for Halloween. He's driving me nuts. Send me suggestions, please! He's so excited to visit all the houses in this neighborhood. His eyes nearly blast off from his socket when he tries to count them as we walk to his school each day. He can't get past twenty-five before he's jumping up and down, clapping and squealing—his first Halloween in a big city.


	3. Love and Music

Chapter 3 Love and Music  
Fandom: One Chicago and SVU crossover

Title: Flowers for Mama

Chapter 3:

P O V: Sylvie Brett

November 1th 2014

Mama

It's finally happened; you always warned me it would happen, Mama, and I always laughed, but the time has come.

Brazen has fallen in love.

Snap, I forget to say Dear, Mama, how are you? So how are you, Mama? I miss you tons. Are you taking care of yourself? Eating right, watching your blood sugar, and not overdoing your stress level? I know it ain't easy Mama being a mother is the toughest job in the world; we literally have to everything ourselves and no one to watch out for us or ask us if we're okay. So Mama, are you okay? I worry about you, especially now that I cannot help you out with the chores.

Please remember what you always told me, Mama. You can't be everything to everyone if you neglect yourself.

Now I know you, Mama, you've probably skipped this entire middle section and are still focused on the top line. Brazen has fallen in love, and you're probably screaming to yourself. He's what! He's only five-years-old! No! My baby can not be in love! I'm not ready!

Trust and believe Mama, I know that feeling.

I can picture you sitting at the kitchen table waiting for the meat to be tender so you can add it to your stew. Sipping on your coffee, reading this letter as Daddy and Pawpa and Pawpaw all come in from a long day of running the combines through the fields to harvest crops, now they've heard you exclaim repeatedly.

HE CAN NOT BE IN LOVE!

Daddy has settled down to read the paper as he grumbles about how today's youth have no respect for elders and how being an Englisher is so different from his Amish upbringing. All three have turned to you with questions burning in their eyes, scratching their heads at who you are talking about and who they are in love with, and why do you care.

So let me alleviate the suspension.

Brazen has fallen in love with music.

I took Brazen to a little corner cafe after trick or treat, which by the way, Brazen said thank you for the suggestion for his costume. He loved being a scarecrow and having me be Dorthy; it was a total hit; everyone complimented us, even if they were store brought.

So after trick or treat, I was too damn tired to cook, considering I worked a twenty-four-hour shift the day before. We went to the cafe called County Line. The place was packed, and they were hosting an open-mic night. Braz begged me to go up and perform. He turned on those sweet-enormous eyes and said, please, Mama; I miss your singing. I miss sitting on Memaw's lap, snuggling in her arms around the bonfire Papa made; singing while you play the guitar; please sing for me. I mean, how am I supposed to say no to that, Mama?

I couldn't, so I got up and pulled him with me cause what woman with common sense leaves her five-year-old sitting by themselves in a crowded cafe unless they want their child to get taken. Anyway, the audience thought he was so adorable in his scarecrow costume as I sang Scarecrow by Luke Bryan he shock his little butt and clapped his hands to the beat of my song everyone started chanting for him to sing; I thought he would be too shy Mama, nope I was wrong the little guy came right over stole the mic from me and belted out the song like this was an audition for American Honey.

You should have seen this kid, Mama, a total scenestealer.

The audience ate him up! They started throwing money on-stage for us; the owner was so impressed he asked us to become regulars on Fridays and Saturdays. Of course, we can't do all of them because of my work schedule, which he totally got and even gave us a discount for my service. It was an outstanding night, Mama.

We spent the week picking out songs and working on a routine Braz wants to get vocal lessons and dance classes. He asked me if I could teach him how to play guitar and piano; I'm crying as I write you, Mama. Our little man is becoming his own little individual personality.

It's happening too fast, Mama; I ain't ready.

I do not know how I will afford any of these lessons, Mama, and I am so scared I will screw up his chances of become something amazing. He'll grow up to resent me for not giving him up the way my biological mother gave me up. Braz deserves the most amazingly wonderful, safe life with every chance life can offer him for every opportunity; what if I am not enough, Mama? I'm not sure I ever will be. No matter how hard I work or what opportunities he can get here in Chicago, will it ever be enough? Being a single parent is tougher than I ever imagined I know he misses his daddy and wonders why he isn't in the picture. I've tried to explain it to him, but how much can a five-year-old ever understand?

Raine is a sweet boy, I will always hold him in my heart, but he ain't ready to be a dang father. He needs to grow up yet; I hope being in the military helps him see how immature he is, and he can become the man and father Braz deserves the way daddy was to us as kids.

I sure do miss daddy's bear hugs, and his tickle attacks; I miss fishin' with daddy and seeing his bug-eyed expression when I caught the bigger fish. I miss huntin' with daddy and sit around the campfire listening to his youth tales growing up on an Amish farm. I miss daddy and you somethin' fierce Mama but don't worry about me. I'm doin' alright out here day by day. It gets easier.

Some days are lonelier than others. I mean, Braz is great, of course, but he's five. I can only take having no company besides a five-year-old for so long. I miss dating and genuine company. Oh, and SEX Mama, it's been so damn long. Too long; how long can a vagina go without sex before it dries up? I worry guys will think I am gay or celibate, which I am, not that anything is wrong with either, but I want to have sex, and I like men. A lot, but it's kind of impossible to meet anyone when I work so much and have a child to care for; I know you and daddy worried about me when I kept Braz. I'm seeing why now because it's fucking lonely here by myself with only a child to keep me company.

I know it ain't very lady-like, and I know premarital sex is against the bible, but I can't help it, Mama, and I know you won't judge me because you've always been open with me about these types of talks. We've always had a good relationship. We talked everyday honestly when I was growing up. When I came in from school, I would tell you about my day: a joke in biology class or how my teacher, a first-year- teacher, freaked out during the frog dissection, and I had to step in to teach the class. My struggle in gym class, with bullies, or my frustrations with my co-captain on the cheer squad; my worries about not being taken seriously as a female paramedic. We talked when I told you I wanted to keep Braz, and you listened to my reasons.

I know you didn't know how to broach the topic, so I put it off till I was ready to become serious with Harrison? I know you grew up in the throwback era of the 1950s: An old-fashioned, conservative parent who would prefer to think of her little girl as chaste and unsullied, never experience a sexual urge, but when I was ready to ask questions, you listened swallowed your fears and did your very best to keep me informed, took me to the doctors and reassured me you would always be there with any question or fear, and I should never be ashamed or afraid to come to you. Thank You, Mama.

I've been having trouble sleeping. When I sleep, I have nightmares about something happening to me and Braz growing up without either parent; it's scary. I know you and Daddy would step up and take care of him, but you're his grandparents. It's not your job. You raised two kids already. It's time to enjoy your life child-free.

In some good news, Mama, I found out that Cindy, the wife of one firefighter, LT Christopher Herrman, runs a babysitting service for the CFD children; they have five-kids themselves. So I now have discounted child-care, which is an immense relief!

How is Nana? I thought of her again today. I treated an older woman who was pushed into traffic by two teenagers who tried to rub her; they picked the wrong woman Mama, this little old lady was ninety-five-years-of-golden-age in perfect health and fighting form she fought the petty criminals off kicking and hissin' spitting and biting beating them with her purse. They got so frustrated and frightened they ran but pushed her into traffic. A car hit her, but man, she was a fighter the entire time I was treating her; she was talking about finding the little monsters and spiking their food with ghost pepper spicy sauce to burn their asses and their mouths!

Man, she cracked me up, Mama. Did she remind me of Memaw? Yes! 100% Yes! How are my adorable grandmothers? I miss them like crazy; please give them a bunch of sweet-tea-kisses and hold-me hugs. Daddy is right-shh don't tell him the youngling's today ain't got no respect for the older generation; you better believe I will raise Braz to show respect, hospitality, and kindness to all people and animals in life.

I miss you all more than warm, freshly baked sweet peach pie.

Love for always

Your Baby-Girl


	4. A Different Christmas

Chapter 4 A Different Christmas  
Fandom: One Chicago and SVU crossover

Title: Flowers for Mama

Chapter 4: A Different Christmas

P O V: Sylvie Brett

December 25th, 2014

Isaiah 66:13 As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem."

Dear Baby-Girl

Snow is falling! It's a white Christmas, and baby-girl, you are so missed here in Fowlerton. I miss the laughter in this house without you, the Brazes, and Ryker; this year is lonely and depressing. Three fewer spaces at the table and fewer gifts under the tree. I'm fighting back the tears without my babies here to hold, and I know it's a natural part of life. You and Raine have grown up to be strong, independent young adults with lives of your own, and your daddy and I are so proud of both of you.

Pride and Tears what a mixture.

Psalm 34:18-19 The Lord is near to those discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. Good people suffer many troubles, but the Lord saves them from them all.

I know this ache differs from the ache I feel for Ryker but trust 'n believe my little girl; it's just as real and just as painful. I'm grateful thy Lord has given you both the chance to grow up and chase your dreams and has blessed you with the strength to face every challenge that has given you with courage, grace, faith, and dignity.

God can bless you abundantly so that in all things at all times, having all that you need; you will abound in every good work.

Mr. Strickland did indeed find someone to help him in his harvest season, young Jed from Nappanee, Indiana; you remember him; I am sure the young man who always helps you unload the trucks when we get to the market. He came down every weekend to help the older men who have no relatives here in town who couldn't handle the farming demands independently.

Lord Sylvie, that young man without a shirt is a sight of pleasantness for this older woman. Shh, don't tell your daddy I may linger a little longer at the kitchen sink doing the dishes so I can watch him mow the lawn. Those muscles! Don't be blushing now, young lady. I had to sit through so many of your sexual adventures you can surely take a little blushing from your mother, the woman who raised you. No, baby-girl, you don't dry out no matter how old you get or how long you sustain from sex. For whatever reason, your body does not differ from a truck. It needs a little TLC, a little lube, and stimulation to keep going.

Buy a vibrator, honey. I recommend the Womanizer Pro 40. You can get it on Amazon for $99. I know it sounds expensive, but it's so worth it. It'll get you off faster than the magic wand, but it don't numb you out, a.k.a. overstimulate the nerves. If that's too costly, try a G-spot vibrator they make for as cheap as $55; it'll be your best friend during those lonely nights. It's better than most guys I've ever had, and the Os are endless. It will make these trying times seem less trying, that's for sure!

Plus, you can't get pregnant!

I know money is tight, baby-girl. I am so sorry you are having it so tough right now. Your father and I will gladly send you some money to hold you over. God gives us strength when ours is depicted. He gives us hope in the darkness when we can't see Jesus walks beside us.

Now I know it's hard to see a reason or a rhythm when you are on your knees praying for enough money to get by, but faith is an assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen. Meet your fears with faith. You shall never be blinded, for we walk in faith, not insight.

Jesus gave you to us. We shall never leave your side. Please take care of yourself. I'm scared for your health; you haven't said how your appointment went. How are your Albumin and Creatinine levels? What is your GFR?

You're still immune-compromised; please do not take any unnecessary risks! Don't overwork yourself. Braz needs a mother more than he needs material things or any vocal lessons; you have a beautiful voice and know your musical terms. You can save money and teach him at home. A mother never stops worrying, so please let me know what is going on. Are you taking your medication? Have you told anyone at 51? Someone should know in case you have an emergency. I'm excited for Braz. I'm glad he's doing well. You are all that boy needs, sweet-girl. You can provide him with enough love, protection, guidance, strength, support, food, and shelter.

He'll never want for anything, honey, as long as you always make him feel encouraged and understood. You have a radiant light. Let it shine down upon him as the Lord's love shines down upon us. Don't dig up in self-doubt what you have planted in faith.

Remember these verses when you are weary.

"God is within her, and she will not fall."

— Psalm 46:5

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

—Romans 8:28 (NIV)

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

— Philippians 4:6&7 (NLT)

Jesus entrusted his child to you, Sylvie. Remember, he is our father; he runs the show, and he is not blind in his faith in us, his shepherds. He chose us. He died for us, and he has risen for us. He loves us, flaws and all. Your father and I love and miss you baby-girl, I hope you are safe and warm; I know you are working on Christmas, so I may not reach you by phone today. I hope I can, but if I can't, please read this email and the letter I am sending it both ways, and know you are loved and missed. Give Braz an enormous hug from us all. Your MeMaw's and Pawpaw's all sent their love and wanted me to tell you how proud they are of you.

From the moment you were placed in our arms, your father and I have loved you, supported you, and encouraged you. We ache for you now, knowing you are struggling, but we know Jesus will guide you and bless you, so keep the faith, baby-girl, and remember what your knees are for baby.

Love your Mama Raleigh Caroline Knox-Brett


	5. Children Learn What They Live

Chapter 5 Children Learn What They Live  
Fandom: One Chicago and SVU crossover

Title: Flowers for Mama

Chapter 5: Children Learn What They Live

P O V: Sylvie Brett

February 13th, 2015

Dear, Mama

Sorry, Mama, I should have told you about my doctor's visit so much has been going on that I haven't had time to think about my visit. It went well, though, so no worries. My Albumin and Creatinine levels and GFR levels are all staying at the same levels? My GFR is at 10 milliliters per minute exactly. They are watching me. If it drops any lower, I will need dialysis; I'm still listed as stage four; my blood pressure is on the higher side right now; it's 140/94. I'm hoping it lowers as my stress level gets down now that Cindy is watching Braz. It should help. I won't worry about how he is doing if he is being taken care of or scared.

Braz gets on well with the other kids in school, and at Cindy's, she has three kids close to his age. Kenny is Four/ Luke is six, and Annebelle is five. He met a best friend; it's so cute! The boy is Galen Tyler Shay; he is the son of Leslie Shay and Kelly Severide.

Shay is the woman who I replaced. She's been in a coma since last May. I've gone to see her a few times. Gabby likes to stop at the long-term care facility that she is being kept at when we are in the area. On that news, Gabby and I have grown closer; it's happened slowly over time; she started trusting me on calls and respecting my decisions. That helped with my confidence for sure and took off my bitter edge.

I think knowing I am religious helped a lot. Gabby takes her faith seriously, and she recommended a church for me to attend; we started going together on our Sundays off and every Wednesday we can when we aren't on shift. She prays for Shay, of course, and her brother Antonio, a cop; he's going through a hard time with his marriage, and of course, his job is so dangerous.

We talked about her fears for him and her worries for her nephew Diego and her niece Eva. Gabby's been raising Galen on her own since Shay's been injured because Kelly was a sperm donor. Shay is Gay and wanted kids but didn't want to trust a stranger to donate. So Kelly donated, and her dad paid for the everything. Kelly comes around as much as possible and takes Galen's place; but Gabby's been the one raising him providing for him, which she was never expecting to do obviously, so it caught her off guard because she's been wanting kids so deeply over the last couple of years and hasn't been able to get pregnant. She resented every woman who had kids, including Shay, I guess it strained their relationship, and they were fighting right before they went into the building, so now she's racked with so much guilt. She is Galen's Godmother and Shay listed her as Galen's guardian in case of an event when she is unable to care for him, hence why Gabby is raising him, and not Kelly.

I feel awful for her, Mama. I reminded Gabby of Proverbs 28:13.

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. She seemed to find comfort in that which has helped us bridge the gap between tolerance and genuine friendship. I even suggested we move in together to help each other, and she said she would consider it. That's a start, Jesus said, But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; did he not? Trick question, of course, he did Matthew 5;44.

Braz and Galen both wanted to try football come spring, so we took them to a practice camp two nights; Kelly and Matt came along. God, Mama, sitting next to those two men who both smelled divine, nearly sent my sex drive into well overdrive. I felt like a damn teenager again on Friday night under those lights lusting after the QB.

It was great seeing those boys so determined to learn a traditional timeless all American game. I have fond memories of my days as an Argyle cheerleader wearing my black and gold cheering on those boys of fall. Six a.m. practices before school the week of homecoming or pep rallies were the death of us, making up for losing sleep in Algebra class later that day. Encouraging every girl, even if we had to work on a stunt sixty-times after already sitting through eight-hours of boring classes. Choreographing the routines with Hope and Faith even when we nearly killed each other, uh! When the clock got down to two minutes before halftime, anxiety was at a total high. Holding hands with my girls and, yes, Knox-Convoy, our one boy cheerleader who was totally Not Gay, so he insisted, although he so totally was, Mama, and I loved every ounce of his adorableness.

Screaming till our throats were raw for our boys to get that damn touchdown before the clock ran out. Being lifted into the air so high, I thought I was flying as I did Kick-Double or when they won, and Harrison and John-Den would spin me around and kiss me so deeply I thought I would die of embarrassment.

Bake-sales every morning in the school lobby the fall and car washes on the weekends, training for the prep rallies till we thought we would drop. Being so damn nervous, we thought we would throw up training for the Cheer tournaments. Stressing over which girls I had to cut, but being so damn relieved when we took home the national titles each year! Sleepovers and high school crush it all seem so trivial, but they were the best times of my life, maybe because I knew I had a reason to treasure every moment and be grateful I got to have them when someone else didn't. I will never know the person who gave me the gift of life, Mama, but I feel like I have to live for them and not only myself. I have so much to give back to the community of Chicago. Being here makes me feel closer to him, even if I will have nothing except a name: Kohen-Saxton, and I know he's from Chicago, a city he loved.

Watching Braz and Galen play made me smile. They were outstanding, listening closely to their coach and playing a clean game. They encouraged each other and their teammates, they worked very hard and had fun. I got to talk to Kelly and Matt more in those sixty-minutes than I have for these last few months working 24-hours side-by-side.

Last night we got together at Matt's house, and he and Kelly practiced with the boys working on their throwing and different exercises and drills. Gabby and I cooked dinner and drank wine while we watched. It's great seeing Kelly and Matt both take an interest in Braz. He loves the male interaction; I know he does. Even if he doesn't say the words aloud, I can see it in his face and how animated he becomes. Matt and Kelly have all these crazy motos they keep telling the boys like quitters never win, and winners never quit. The same old recurring mistake shows distraction, but a new mistake shows progress.

There's No I in team, and Children learn what they live; Kelly had an entire song he played on his guitar for the boys. They loved it and begged him for lessons. Got a teacher for half-prize. How about that, Mama? God works in mysterious ways!

The song was catchy; too, I can't get it out of my dang head even now.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, He learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

He learns to find love in the world.

Watching the boys take a knee and pledge to this country's flag that Braz's dad is overseas fighting for, well, Mama brought tears to my eyes. Gave new meaning to the words Land of the Free and Home of the Brave. After practice, he asked me if I thought his dad would be proud of him, and of course, I know he would be. I wish he were here to see it; I miss Raine every day. He is missing so much of his son's life, and Braz is growing up so fast. I take as many videos and pictures as I can. I record his milestones and cute moments in my diary so Raine can look at them when he comes home on leave. It's not the same though I know it isn't; I hear it in his voice every-time he calls.

Kelly and I had a real delightful conversations. We discovered we like the same football team; we both love country music which is a shocker. I would never have thought Kelly Severide liked country music. I discovered he split his time between Chicago as a kid and Lancaster, Pa, Amish country where his mom Jennifer is originally from and his grandparents still live. We had a real pleasant talk about the Amish and how they are perceived verse how they truly are, we both agreed we couldn't live without electricity but could use the peace of country life some days verse the noise and rush of the city. Kelly is super sweet when you get to know him. I came so close to kissing him, but Mama, I don't know. Something stopped me. It's as if I felt too close to him in the short time we've known each other, and I don't want to screw it up. He feels more like a brother to me than a lover, but damn, I miss sex. I literary said that out loud, and he laughed so hard Mama he said he would help me get laid. How embarrassing, but also nice.

Mama, don't worry about me. I'll be fine—no need to send money. I always manage.

Feb 15th, 2015

I am shaken as I write this from Matt and Gabby's couch. I was robbed tonight. My home was broken into God; what an awful week it has been. First, Harrison shocked the hell out of me by coming down here, second Dawson switched from being a paramedic to a firefighter, so I have a new partner Jessica who everyone calls Chili. She is a total bitch, uh, not sassy or dismissive the way Gabby was. No, I mean, a real total bitch. She thinks she's better than everyone and told me point blank I am her backup. She runs this show. I cried this week, Mama; I thought I was past the being dismissed and treated like crap stage at 51, but she knocked every bit of confidence down. On the plus side, Gabby defended me and slapped the bitch on my behalf, told her that no one speaks this way to any member of 51, and especially not her best friend.

I felt enlightened and loved.

Then Harrison showed up and took every one of my emotions and sent them spiraling. He apologized for leaving me at the altar and not calling or texting. He wanted to know how Braz was and if his leaving affected Braz at all; of course, he did. He was barely four-and-a-half. Harrison was the only daddy he ever knew since Raine was in school the first few years of his life and then deployed shortly after graduation. Harrison filled that role Raine left open and raw he took him out to the park, played ball with him, taught him how to fish, piss standing up, brush his teeth, read, walk and talk. He was everything to Braz; he made us both so happy until he left and never returned. Braz saw how devastated I was, how everyone in town talked about us avoided eye-contact.

He cried himself to sleep every night for months, Mama thinking he was a bad boy who drove Harrison away. He went through every possible reason, a different one every-day he didn't eat his vegetables, he didn't put his toys away, he talked back too many times. Missed the toilet bowl when he pissed; didn't comb his hair or brush his teeth fast enough. Didn't pray long enough or say the right prayers. I hated seeing him so torn up over guilt for something that wasn't his fault.

Harrison swears he wants me back. He says he's sorry that he blew it he got cold feet, in front of everyone, I had told everyone that I left him. My words came back and bit me in my ass, excuse my french.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, / When first we practice deceiving!"

"Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech."

No one said much to me about it, but I felt their eyes judging me, snickering at me; the woman got left, well that's unusual and hysterical. I was so ashamed, Mama, and angry. What right does he have to come back now? After he hurt me so badly and Braz, I could forgive him for breaking my heart but not my son's heart. To me, that is an unforgivable sin to play with a child's heart and leave him out in the cold.

Harrison hasn't left me alone all week. He keeps insisting I am not cut out for city life for being a paramedic and a mother. Between Chili and Harrison, they are driving me insane and causing me to doubt myself, and yeah, I am worried he'll press charges for the whole grand-theft auto thing.

I was so worked up I had an anxiety attack at work. If it weren't for Dawson and Severide, I would've passed out. They stepped up and stayed with me, comforted me, and kept me calm enough, so I didn't pass out till the attack passed.

Harrison told me he bought us a house Mama, a damn house as if I could be bought and sold so easily like I don't have a brain or able to form thoughts on my own. He's pissing me off. He wants us to start a family, get married. He wants me to stay home and be his baby mama as if that's all I am ever going to be good enough for; he says he's worried about my health, mental and physical. He treats me as if I am breakable. As if I am a medical condition instead of a person with strength and flexibility, and oh, I don't know a damn brain.

I keep telling him I am fine my heart can take more than a few struggles. It's resilient and durable. I lost a patient today, which crushed me, but I kept going, not that Chili cared. She berated me in front of everyone because I tried to do CPR too long on a patient; the woman was barely in her twenties, too young to die.

It's been so damn long this week I've been throwing up and losing sleep; I'll be honest, I worried for my health mainly because Harrison and Chili keep treating me as too dumb, too weak to do my job.

Herrman drove me to his home to see my boy get a hug and kiss, which felt so amazing. I tried so hard not to see him cry or feel sad, but he has amazing instincts. He knew he put his little palms on my cheeks and kissed my forehead, and sang to me.

Trusting as the moments fly,

Trusting as the days go by;

Trusting Him whate'er befall,

Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Brightly does His Spirit shine.

Into this poor heart of mine;

While He leads, I cannot fall;

Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Braz lifted my spirits so much I felt like I could manage as long as I have his love. I went to see Harrison and tell him it was over to send him back to Indiana; he showed me some old pictures from high school, we started talking about our football days and all the kids we use to know. He poured some wine, and yeah, you guessed it, we made love. I left him when he fell asleep and came home unsure what I should do. Being with him that intimate made me question if I was making the right call staying in Chicago denying Braz a proper family.

Till I came home and saw I was being robbed, I chased the guy out with a baseball bat. He destroyed my home torched everything, even took Memaw's ring; I almost died running into the fire. How stupid I was Mama, it's a ring, I know, but it was Memaw's ring, and it meant so much to her passed down from so many generations. She trusted me with it, her first granddaughter.

Matt had been meeting his niece Violet for brunch in the cafe across the street from my apartment saw the fire and me racing towards it like an idiot. Matt ran inside discovered me when I was nearly passed out on the floor clutching the box, coughing. He picked me up, carried me outside, cradled me till the Ambo got there, and went with me to the hospital. Matt made no bones about it. Braz and I are staying with him and Gabby till I can find a place I can afford in a safer neighborhood.

Harrison stopped by earlier and, of course, belittled me for being stupid and proving his point. I wasn't cut out for this life, I finally told him off for good, and the bastard hit me. I never saw anyone strike faster than Matt. He punched Harrison square in his nose, threw money at him to pay him off for the car, and told and told him in no uncertain terms to get out of his house, out of Chicago, and my life, or he would have the cops arrest him for assault.

This week started crappy as hell Mama, but now I have never felt so loved and wanted as I do, thanks to Matt and Gabby. Gabby even asked me to move in with them to save money and give myself a break with Braz. With three grownups, life would be so much easier. I said yes as I watched Braz and Galen with Matt, who taught them to play the guitar and my heart felt completed.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

As you always said, Mama's life is hard, but God is good. I hope you and Daddy are safe and healthy. I know Christmas is always hard, and this year is worse, but God will bless you both for your hard work, sacrifices, and faith. I'm sorry, I couldn't be there. I wish I could have been. Christmas was a hard shift to work saw a lot of hopelessness and anger people who have it far worse than I do, and yet some are so grateful for the little they have.

Christmas brings out the crazy no doubt we had a hostage situation where a drug dealer was hauled up inside a woman's home holding the grandmother at gunpoint. I mean, here we are sitting in the dark on Christmas, waiting for some guy to either shoot someone or get shot by the cops. An alcoholic puked blood on me. So I had to go for an entire round of blood work which is scary but Chili, of course, blamed me for being too close to the patient, not fast enough to respond.

Kelly sat with me while I waited. He held my hand and made me laugh when I wanted to cry or scream. We dealt with drunks and derelicts and drug users all damn day; pulled three broken bodies out of wrecks from drunk drivers. Some days we do boring transfers, shuttling little old folks back and forth between the hospital and the nursing homes. Not Christmas, though. Nope, we also had five house fires because the trees got too close to the heaters or the drunk fathers forget the ovens were on, and boom, there went the house. One mother was drunk-dancing with a candle to Celine Dion and fell on the dog who freaked out and knocked the candle out of her hands which flew to the couch and up went the house.

How do we do it without getting burned out? I have no idea some days, all I know is I love the action, I love my family at 51, and I love my son enough to keep going because everything I do; I do for him the way you and daddy always did for us growing up.

I'm tired, Mama, but keeping the faith. Heading to bed now; thank you for your love and guidance. I'll include Gabby and Matt's address so you and daddy can write; I'm texting you a picture I took of Braz, Galen, and Matt from tonight. Sweet image, isn't it? Matt's great with the boys; someday, he'll be an amazing father.

Gabby is one lucky lady.

Love, your baby-girl

P.S forgot to tell you I am so tired my mind is all kinds of wonky Matt found Memaw's ring at a pawn shop; he won't tell me how he got it back or how much it cost him. He just said it's back; that's what matters, and he's happy to see me smile. How sweet is he! I repeat, Gabby is one lucky lady.

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